Halo 2 Screwed Up Version
by Neptin The Sangheili
Summary: SO SCREWED UP! Rated M for strong language and mild sexual themes.
1. Chapter 1: Retard

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 1: Retard**

_Hello Guys this is Neptin The Sangheili I'm going to tell you how halo 2 got screwed up by... ... ... ... ...me lololololololololol here goes mr. crazy guy_

_p.s. this is level one...sort of_

The scene starts off where you see the destroyed dahalo.

A covenant cruzer bruzer drives toward the covenant holy city.

It's called "High on Drugs".

The camera zooms in and you hear Thel 'Vadam talking to Prophet of Truth and the other Prophets.

"There was only one ship." answered thel.

Truth questioned, "One? Are you sure?"

Then it showed a big room where the three prophets talking with thel.

On both sides of the room, that was were the counsel were sitting on the stands.

Thel is in his yellow armor.

Thel said sarcastically, "No! I'm lying!"

Truth said, "No need to be sarcastic."

Thel continued, "...and they called it the pillar of derp."

Mercy said, "That is a gay name and why was it not destroyed with the rest of their fleet?"

Thel explained, "It fled as we set fire to their planet, but I followed with all the ships in my command."

Truth questioned out of the blue, "When you first saw dahalo were you blinded by it's gayness?"

Thel questioned, "Blinded? What are you talking about?"

Regret explained, "Paralized? Dumbstruck?"

Thel said, "Nope just feeling normal with no emotion as any elite feels all the time."

Regret snapped, "...and you managed to let the humans land on dahalo and they desicrated it with their filthy foot steps."

Thel begged, "Surely you would understand that once the parasite attacked..."

Truth interrupted, "You had right to focus your attention on the flood, but this retard, this master chief is a big threat."

Thel said, "By the time I figured out what the retard was about to do. There was nothing I can do."

Then randomly the counsel started clamoring.

Regret turns to truth and said, "Truth this has gone far enough. Make an example to this dickless retard. The counsel needs this."

Truth put his hand in front to regret and moved forward.

"You are a very good solder, but you failed to safeguard dahalo because of your lazyness."

One of the counsel members jumped up from their seat and said, "No it was very gay."

Everyone in the counsel agreed.

Thel forgot about it and said, "I will continue my sexyness with the humans."

Truth said in a ganster way, "No, ho. You will not. You will be left behind."

Truth turned to Tartarus.

Then two brutes went up behind Thel and he walked away with the two brutes.

_lol mr. crazy guy was not this crazy on this chapter but it'll get better trust me_


	2. Chapter 2: The Plastic Armory For Gays

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 2: The Plastic Armory For Gay People**

_meh meh meh meh meh meh meh the name's pewdiepie best guy on youtube by the way ok now we start_

Outside of Earth shows a few orbital MAC stations and a dozen of UNSC ships flying by.

The scene zooms in and it shows Master Guns and Master Chief.

Guns starts off saying, "The plating was about to fail. There's viscocity throughout the gel layer. Optics? Totally fried. And lets not even talk about the power supply."

Then questioned, "Do you even know how expensive this gear is son?"

Chief grabbed his helmet and put it on his head while saying, "Tell that to the faggots who almost fucked me."

Guns questioned, "...and who whould that be?"

Chief answered with a mean tone, "It's the covenant dumbass and I still hate cortana."

Guns said confused, "Okay."

He continued, "Well, I guess it was all obsolete anyway. Your new suit's a Mark VI-just came up from Sondheim this morning. Try and take it easy until you get used to the upgrades."

Guns pressed a button and chief could move around.

Guns continued as usual and thank god he dies on the first level, "Everything checks out. Standby, I'm gonna offline the inhibitors. Move around a little. Get a feel for it. When you're ready meet me by the zapper."

Chief went to the zapper and his shield recharged faster.

Guns replied, "Your shield recharges alot faster."

"You don't say?" was all that chief said.

The elevator opened and sergeant johnson apeared.

Guns explained, "If your shields go down, find some cover and wait for the meter to read fully charged."

Johnson interupted, "He could hide behind me."

Guns turned around and saw Johnson wearing his dress uniform.

Guns replied, "He's fine johnson so put that dick back in your mouth."

Guns turned to chief and said, "You are free to go. Just remember to take things slow."

Chief went to the elevator and guns questioned, "So Johnson, when are you going to tell me that you made it home in one piece?"

Johnson replied, "Sorry Guns it's classified."

Guns replied in anger, "HUH MY ASS! Well you can forget about those..."

The elevator closed and went up before guns even finished.

Johnson said, "Well he's in a good, is he."

Then turned to chief and questioned, "Are you in a good mood?"

Chief replied in anger as usual, "No because I have to see cortana and the director said that i'm going to have to put cortana in my head for most of the time and I hate that bitch."

Johnson said, "Aw, come on how bad can cortana be?"

The elevator door opened and they both walked towards the cart leading to the bridge.

"Earth. Haven't seen it in years, but I bet something big is about to happen." said Johnson.

Chief crossed his arms and still angry as ever, "Yeah tell me about it."

_guys lol this is still the first level next chapter will be the end of the first level_


	3. Chapter 3: Nuts Station

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 3: Nuts Station**

_... ... ... ... ...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... ...oh sorry i forgot you were here ok lets read before i start sleeping again (yawn)_

The Master Chief and Johnson step off the lift into a windowed bay.

UNSC officers and crew stand by in formal uniform applauding.

Automated cameras float above the crowd.

Johnson is in full dress uniform with a purple heart on his chest which looks kind of gay.

The Chief is...as usual is in his armour because he likes showing people that he's boss.

Chief replied in more anger, "Hey RETARD! You told me there wouldn't be any cameras."

Johnson replied, "Weeeeeeeeell...I lied because you didnt wear something nice."

Chief got mad as usaual which might piss off the readers or the writer...hopefully not.

The scene changes back to high on drugs where thel is being dragged to some weird/gay device.

You can hear a few grunts chanting, "Re-tard! Re-tard!"

Tartarus replied, "You've drawn quite a crowd."

Thel is placed upright in the center with bands of energy circling each wrist.

Thel said, "If they come to hear me beg, they will be disappoointed."

Tartarus questioned, "Are you sure?"

Then randomly energy arcs came down to the wrist restraints, and from there to the elite himself.

The scene changes once more back to nuts station.

Lord Hood of abvious rank and an aide waits for the pissed off chief and johnson aproaching them.

There are other officers lined up nearby.

The two salute the man.

Hood replies, "Johnson we're lucky to have you back and as for chief...we knew you were going to survive."

Chief replied angerly, "That was rude douche nugget."

Hood ignored chief while listening to a guy whispering to hood.

Then hood turns to cortana and says, "Go ahead Cortana."

Cortana apears then says, "We have probes enroute."

Hood replies, "We are going to make this short."

Cortana turned to chief and said, "You look like a faggot."

Then she turned to Johnson and said, "You look nice."

Johnson said to chief, "Wow you wearn't kidding about cortana being a bitch."

Chief sighed, "Whatever."

Then Johnson said with a :D face, "Well at least I don't get to look after her."

Chief yelled to Johnson, "ASSHOLE!"

Hood said to johnson, "Here is your Colonial Cross Ribbon."

Chief replied in anger as usual, "What?! Don't I get a medal or ribbon?"

Hood replied in a good mood, "Nope because like cortana said your a faggot."

The scene changes back to high on drugs and the writer is starting to get pissed off because of the scene changes.

Tartartus says to all the covenant who is watching all of this, "Let him be an example of being gay."

The crowd starts cheering.

Brute guards striping the smoking armour from thel.

And of course the scene changes again.

Hood replies too commander Miranda Keyes, "Here's a ribbon for your father's actions."

Chief is still pissed which is a big haha to the writer.

The scene changes of course back to...you already know.

The elite was naked and you would of figured that the elite had a dick, but he doesn't have a FUCKING DICK.

Tartarus grabs a thingy and and sticks it on thel.

He screamed...which is funny.

FINALLY the scene changes back for the last time back to nuts station.

An alert sounds off.

Cortana replied, "Well our covenant "friends" are back."

Chief interupted, "Fucking finally i'm ready to kill."

He grabs a battle rifle and walks off.

_5 hours later blah blah blah they have a bomb blah blah blah._

Chief clears out the covenant guarding the bomb.

Cortana randomly appeared and said, "Me in your head, now."

Chief sighed, "Here we go again."

Then puts cortana in his head.

Chief turned off the bomb.

Chief questioned, "How much time was left."

Cortana replied, "You don't wana know."

Chief replied in anger, "BITCH TELL ME WHAT TIME WAS LEFT!"

Cortana replied also in anger, "5 SECONDS NOW STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!"

Chief said, "Lets give the covenant back their bomb."

Cortana questioned, "What if you miss?"

Chief answered, "Bitch please! I won't."

_5 minutes later blah blah blah a covenant carrier blows up from bomb blah blah blah._

Chief fell on the foward unto the dawn.

Johnson and Keyes heard the landing.

Of couse johnson said impressed, "For a big green turd, he flew pretty good."

Keyes ordered, "Chief, get inside we're are taking this fight to the surface."

Chief yelled, "HELL YEAH!"

Then they flew to earth.

_YOU HAPPEH NOW...FINALLY_


	4. Chapter 4: Inskirts Oh Yes

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 4: Inskirts...Oh Yes**

_do i have any halo screwed up fans yet if i do then OMG YOU ARE ALL AWESOME YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY (ahem) i mean thats cool...ok chapter beginning...now_

The amber clad whos name was just changed randomly from forward unto the dawn, which is very weird.

It hovers over the city while three pelican dropships launch toward the city of...um...whatever the name was.

Chief finally became calm until cortana spoke.

"The message just repeats: Regret. Regret. Regret." said cortana.

Chief said angerly, "God dammit cortana!? Do you ever shut up!?"

Cortana said happly, "Nnnnnnnnope!"

Chief said to himself, "_T__hat's it! I'm going to kill myself_."

Keyes said, "Catchy. Any idea what it means?"

Johnson interupted and said, "Dear humanity, we regret these pussy, ass, bitches, we regret coming to earth, and we most definitely regret that my 26 wives were all gay."

Cortana replies angerly, "Dumbass! Regret is a name! He's a religous leader-a prophet. He's on that carrier, and he's calling for help."

Chief interupted, "Yeah. Calling for help to get a steel boot so far up his ass, that he'll be begging me to kill him."

Then randomly a covenant scarab appears.

It's jaws open, and it fires a plasma beam at the appraoching.

The one holding chief falls to the ground.

Cortana said angerly while chief is trying to get up, "Get the fuck up Chief!"

Chief replied angerly, "Bitch, that hurt now shut the fuck up."

Johnson randomly said, "Shake it off marines."

Chief said with an evil grin, "That's what she said."

Chief, cortana, and a few marines walked in the courtyard.

Then randomly hunters appeared.

Johnson said, "Stand back marines. Let the chief show you how it's done."

Chief said relieved, "Fuckin finally!"

Chief killed the two hunters within 15 minutes.

Cortana said upset, "Chief you must be getting old and slow."

Chief said angerly, "I"m about to break your fuckin chip."

Cortana replied, "Just sayin."

_1 hour later_.

Chief got in the warthog with a marine on the back and drove off to the beach.

Cortana randomly said, "The highest concentration of covenant troops is directly below the carrier. I don't think they want you to get on board. That bridge is the most direct route to the city's center."

Chief was ignoring cortana the whole time.

They drove in a tunnel.

Cortana said...again, "I've been analyzing the covenant tatical chatter. They're surprised...confused. I don't think they expected us to be here. Not you and me. All of us...humanity...on earth. Odd, I know, But it does help explain why they came here with such a small fleet."

Chief finally said, "What did you say? I was to busy listening to my music in my helmet."

Cortana replied angerly, "I hate you so much you big green shit!

Chief ignoring what cortana said, again and said, "Exactly."

They drove out of the tunnel while the marine died for no apparent reason.

_this time i made this chaptah moh funneh_


	5. Chapter 5: Too Lazy To Name This Chapter

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 5: Too Lazy To Name This Chapter**

_its really hard trying to type up a chapter when EVERYONE TELLS YOU TO GET OFF THIS FUCKING WEBSITE even at school which sucks thats why i hardly ever get on this website so sorry for the wait_

Chief walks up to a barricade at the foot of the bridge.

Two marines are hiding behind the barricade watching the Scarab head unoposed up the bridge.

The female marine says pissed, "It blew right through us. Anything we threw at it, didn't do a thing."

Then randomly a pelican hovers down and drops off a scorpion tank and...of course...johnson appears.

Johnson questioned to the female marine, "Where's the rest of your platoon?"

All she said was dead.

The male marine said being a pussy, "And we will be too, sir, if we don't get the hell out of here!"

Johnson questioned to the male marine, "You retarded marine?"

He said, "No sir."

Johnson yelled, "THEN LISTEN UP!"

He continued, "You are going to take out that scarab with master chief and if you fail, I will give Chief permission to kill both of you."

Chief interupted, "...and i'll do it too heheh."

The two marines said, "Yes sir."

Then cortana said, "Thanks for the tank. He never gets me anything."

Johnson said in a sexy way, "Oh I know what the ladies like."

Chief said angerly, "And what would that be because this bitch in my head does not like anything."

Johnson answered, "Ladies like sexy people."

Then Johnson got in the pelican and the pelican drove off.

Chief yelled back, "BULLSHIT!"

Chief already killed the marines when johnson left.

_3 hours later_.

Chief finally caught up to the scarab and destryed it.

Cortana said impressed, "Good Job but your still a green shit."

Then Chief yelled to the writer, "HURRY UP AND KILL ME!"

Then the writer laughed and said, "Sorry bitch i'm making you suffer hahahaha."

Chief sighed...of course.

Then the carrier overhead starts to head out.

Johnson comes out of no where and says, "Run forest, run."

Keyes said, "Not if we can help it."

Johnson extracted the chief and they flew inside In Amber Clad.

They followed the carrier when the carrier jumped inside the city.

_sorry for the wait_


	6. Chapter 6: The Arbiter's Stupidy

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 6: The Arbiter's Stupidity**

_Oh hai chaptah sex here weh go...lol i like typing in a stupid way and by the way O_O i'm watching you_

_p.s. caution: this chapter has sexual references so no little children should be reading this_

Thel woke up and he realized he was being dragged.

He looked up to see Tartarus striding down the corridor in front of him.

There are two other Brutes half – carrying, half – dragging Thel along.

The first Brute questioned upsettingly, "How much further do we have to carry this sex toy? Any cell will do. Why not toss him in this lot?"

The camera turns toward the cell full of Jackals who love sex.

Thel looked over and saw a Jackal humping a bar from the cell.

Thel got scared.

The second brute snapped back questioning, "Them? What about us? My belly aches for not having sex, and he looks like he wants it."

Tartarus, feeling disgusted said, "Quiet! Don't you ever say something like that again! The Hierarchs have something special in mind."

They stepped into the gravlift and descended into a large area.

A bridge connects to a structure in the middle.

The bridge has red elites on each side and armed with spears.

At the end of the bridge, the two doors opened.

Tartarus and the two brutes dragging Thel approached the profits, Truth and Mercy.

Tartarus and the two brutes bow then Tartarus said, "Noble Prophets who will die soon including me, except Truth. I have brought the retard."

Truth angerly said in text, "GTFO!"

Tartarus Questioned, "I don't understand what you said sire."

Truth said, "I said get out."

Tartarus said in an upset mood, "Release the Retard."

Then the two brutes and Tartarus left.

The doors closed and truth said, "The Council decided that they want you hanged."

Thel said felling depressed, "I am already dead."

Truth questioned, "Do you know where we are?"

Thel answered, "The Mausoleum of the Arbiter."

Truth said, "You are going to become The Arbiter."

Thel said, "Okay, great."

Truth said, "Dahalo's destruction was your error, and you rightly bear the blame. But the council was…being gay. We know you are no retard. This is the true face of retardation."

Truth pressed a button and a small hologram of the retard leader.

It said, "The Profits are false! Open your eyes my brothers! They would use the faith of our forefathers to bring ruin to us all. The Great Journey is-"

Truth turned off the hologram because (SPOIL ALERT) the Great Journey is actually false.

An oversized pod floats down and hovers a few feet above the floor.

The door opened from the pod.

Mercy said randomly, "You will die as each Arbiter before you."

Thel sighed annoyed and put on his helmet.

"What would you have your Arbiter do?"

_1000 years later noooooooooooooooooooooooot._

Three phantom drop ships descend towards a planet which they should have said in the fucking game.

Inside the lead ship, an Elite Commander paces between the lines of troops.

Ratas Vadum I think that's his name.

Ratas said to his troops, "When we joined the Covenant, we took an oath."

Everyone said, "According to our station. All without exception."

The commander who is Ratas continued, "On the blood of our…um…I forgot the line blah blah blah, we swore to uphold the covenant."

Everyone continued, "Even to our dying breath."

Ratas of course continued, "Those who would break this oath are retards. Worthy of neither pity nor mercy. Even now they use our Lords' creation to broadcast their lies."

Everyone continued…again, "We shall grind them to dust!"

Finally Ratas said, "…and continue our march to Glorious Salvation!"

After that, Ratas turned to Thel and said, "This armor suits you, but it cannot hide that mark."

Thel replied, "Nothing ever will."

Ratas said, "Your life does not matter to me."

Thel replies, "Yeah, so. That makes two of us."

Ratas gave a respectful huff.

Then Phantoms descended towards the large mining facility above the surface.

A huge dust storm is blowing nearby.

The pilot replies in complaint, "Commander…there is no doubt. The storm will strike the facility."

Ratas replied, "We'll be long gone before it arrives."

He ordered his men to prepare for combat while his phantoms dropped off his men and the Arbiter (Thel).

Ratas continued…again…WHY DOES HE TALK SO MUCH, "Arbiter, you are the blade. Be silent and swift, and we shall quell this retardness without incident."

_About an hour later_.

Thel saw the retard leader boarding a banshee.

The Retard leader ordered while lifting off, "Deal with him my brothers. I will defend the oracle."

Thel got in the other banshee and drove off to find where the retard leader went.

Randomly a Phantom came out of nowhere and the pilot said, "The Commander told me to help you. So, here I am."

About a few minutes later, Thel found the retard leader's banshee and parked beside it.

The Commander followed the Arbiter while killing a few retards along the way.

Then they stopped at a door.

_That's the end of the level hope you enjoyed_


	7. Chapter 7: The Monitor Lives

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 7: The Monitor Lives**

_what is up my peeps how are all of you doing…meh is fine…time to write ma chapteh :3_

The Arbiter and the squad headed through the door.

Ratas sniffs the air.

The Arbiter (Thel) questioned, "What is it?"

Ratas answered, "That stench I smelled it before."

The Arbiter replied nervously, "I'm sorry that was me."

Ratas angrily said, "Not you the other smell!"

The arbiter said embarrassed, "Oh."

The group entered a room and a sound of fighting came from the previous room.

After a few seconds, the retard leader appeared in mid – air and he's was wearing a jetpack.

A grunt randomly shouted, "See? Retard!"

Several squad members started shooting and it went right through him.

Ratas yelled, "HOLD YOUR FIRE IDIOTS!"

The retard leader said impressed, "Hmm an arbiter. The profits wanted me dead so they sent me a fagstick. Very weird."

Ratas feeling upset, "He's using a holodrone. Come out so you can get killed!"

The retard leader laughed then said, "Come at me bro."

The holodrone fell to the floor.

Then randomly flood appeared and somehow they sound different.

Everyone started killing the flood (heheh good luck).

Ratas again said, "What have they done? Arbiter, go find the retard. Now!"

The arbiter left the room and randomly found the retard leader in the hanger.

He cornered the retard leader in the hanger.

The arbiter demanded, "Turn, Retard!"

The retard leader (STOP TALKING ALOT) said, "I'm not going to die…yet."

Arbiter questioned, "Who has taught you these lies?"

Randomly a flying object flew toward the two elites humming annoyingly that people's head could explode.

The Arbiter said shockingly, "The Oracle!"

123 Innocent Spark Plug introduced himself and said, "I am the monitor of installation 04."

The retard leader said, "Ask the oracle about dahalo. How would they sacrifice us all to get raped by the flood."

Innocent Spark said happly, "More questions. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

Then randomly the retard leader started shooting at the arbiter; then died of a heart attack.

Innocent spark said upsettingly, "He was very enjoyable to talk to."

The arbiter replied, "He needed to die anyway holy oracle."

Then randomly…again the oracle got caught by tartarus.

The Arbiter said angrily, "That is the Oracle."

Tartarus said, "Yeah, whatever. Come your leaving the system."

_this chapter wasn't that funneh so be happy like meh :)_


	8. Chapter 8: Delta Dahalo

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 8: Delta Dahalo**

…_sigh…why I take too long to make a chapter and post it on fanfiction…my reason I don't know_

The scene switches back to the human side of the story.

A covenant carrier, a dozen ruined buildings, and In Amber Clad just exited a slipspace rupture.

Miranda Keyes who's inside the ship felt a big force and yelled, "REPORT!"

The person who was driving In Amber Clad said, "Both of the engines cores have spun to zero and drifting."

The assistant driver said, "Archer pods are cold. I'll need to rekey the system."

Keyes replied, "Do it! And find out where we are."

Down below, Sergeant Johnson emerged from the pod.

Keyes said, "Sorry for the quick jump sergeant."

Then questioned, "You in one piece?"

Johnson replied, "Feeling sexy."

Then questioned, "How about you chief?"

Cortana answered, "We are fine."

Chief interrupted, "Who's we? There was never a 'we'. You're retarded for saying that."

Cortana ignored him as usual.

The main driver said, "Ma'am…there is in object. Coming into view now."

Outside the ship, there was a blue – green planet which also has no name.

Orbiting it, is a ring.

There was a very awkward silence when they saw it.

Keyes questioned, "Um…what the fuck am I looking at?"

Cortana answered, "That…is another Dahalo."

Chief and Johnson yelled, "FUCK THAT!"

Keyes replied interested, "So this is what my homosexual father found…I thought Dahalo was some sort of superweapon."

Cortana replied, "It is. If activated, this ring will cause distruction on a galactic scale."

Chief interrupted, "No one cares cortana."

Keyes replied, "I do chief now shut the hell up."

Then she continued (please don't talk as much as Ratas), "I want all the information you got on the first Dahalo."

Cortana answered, "Okay"

Keyes replied happily, "Good. Given to what we know about the ring, it's even more important that we capture the Prophet of Regret and find out why he came to Earth; why he came here."

Then she ordered (OH MY GOD SHE DOES TALK AS MUCH AS RATAS GOD DAMMIT), "Chief, take the first platoon…hard drop. Secure the landing zone. Sergeant, load up two flights of Pelicans and follow them in."

Johnson sighed then said, "Here we go again. Going on another Dahalo."

Keyes said, "Until I can move and fight I'm going to keep a low profile. Once you leave the ship, you're on your own."

Chief said to himself, "_Cowardly bitch is going to sit there and we are going to suffer_."

Then chief replied, "Understood and Cortana you better not say anything."

Then Cortana said, "Hang on to your helmet."

Then the pods dropped and you could hear chief screaming saying, "CORTANA YOU BIIIIIIIIIIITCH!"

They landed and chief and the other marine's pods opened.

Chief pulled out a rocket launcher and said with a :D face, "AWWWW YEEEAAAH! My rocket toobe is going to fuck shit up."

He laughed after he said that.

_About an hour later._

Cortana said, "Lets get in that tower."

Chief said angrily, "Bitch, the writer just skipped a lot of parts."

Cortana said, "I don't care. The readers should of seen the walkthroughs or played the game."

Chief huffed, "Whatever. Now, shut the fuck up."

Then they made it into the tower.

_All my fans love meh :DDDD and thanks for reading_


	9. Chapter 9: I Regret This Shit

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 9: I Regret This Shit**

_Funny chaptah name I know now on with this story before the world ends ;D_

Chief and Cortana made it into a room.

A hologram of regret is in the middle of the room and he looks like he's singing like a Muslim which sounds fucking annoying (no offence to all the Muslims).

Cortana replied, "That's what I thought he said. The Prophet of Regret is planning to activate halo."

Chief questioned, "Are you sure?"

Then Cortana snapped her finger and the hologram translated to English.

The hologram of Regret said, "I shall light this ring and destroy all humanity."

Cortana replied, "Pretty much."

Chief said angrily, "You really are something."

Then questioned, "What else don't I know about you?"

Cortana replied, "You don't wana know."

Chief said to himself, "I hate when she says that."

Chief said to Keyes, "Commander, we got a problem."

Keyes decided to go for the index while telling chief.

She also told Johnson to get his men and come with her.

Of course chief is alone with the bitch.

_A few minutes later and finally killing Regret._

After when chief killed regret, a whole bunch of covenant ships appeared in the sky.

Then randomly a phantom fired at the temple.

Chief ran like a mother fucker into the water.

Randomly tentacles grabbed chief and pulled him down.

An unknown voice said while grabbing chief, "This is not your grave, but you are welcome in it."

_Don't cry because it's so short. I swear to God._


	10. Chapter 10: Sacred Faggot

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 10: Sacred Faggot**

_Hopefully this might be a little longer :D_

The story changes to the covenant side of the story.

Back on High on Drugs, the covenant holy city.

In a room called Sanctum of the tits.

Thel (The Arbiter) walked toward the sanctum.

He looked all around him and saw Brutes stripping armor and weapons from the Elite Honor Guards.

He also saw one Brute raping another honor guard.

A few minutes later Thel entered the sanctum.

The Profit of Truth and Mercy were talking with Ratas (Commander) and two of his Lieutenants about the Heretic mission.

Ratas yelled to Truth (oh here we go), "This is retarded!"

Truth said, "Regret is dead Commander."

Ratas talked back, "It's your fault for withdrawing our phantoms."

Truth said angerly, "What did you say?!"

Ratas nervously said, "I said…um…you have a nice hat."

Truth said nicely, "Oh, why thank you. Now you may go."

Ratas and his two lieutenants left; Ratas gave Thel a respectful nod on the way out.

Truth sighs when Thel walked in, "Politics. How tiresome."

Then questioned to Thel, "Do you know, Arbiter, the Elites have quit their duties?"

Thel said to himself, "_That's a bunch of horse…never mind, I'm not supposed to curse. Only on the humans' side of the Screwed Up story._"

Then said, "Yes, so I've heard."

Mercy came out of nowhere and said to Thel, "We plied the Oricle with our questions, and it has shown us the key."

Truth replied, "Arbiter, you will journey to the surface of the ring and retrieve this sacred icon."

Arbiter said, "Okay even though I have to and you guys betrayed me the whole time; it says in the script."

Truth replied, "You're not supposed to spoiler."

Arbiter replied, "I don't care anymore."

The arbiter left and went on the phantom with Tartarus.

The phantoms dropped toward dahalo.

Tartarus said, "We will head straight for the library."

Thel questioned, "Who killed Regret?"

Tartarus replied, "Who do you think?"

Thel answered, "The demon is here."

Tartarus joked, "You mean master queef?"

Thel (Arbiter) replied, "Not funny."

The readers replied, "That is funny so shut the hell up."

The phantoms dropped Thel off outside of the library.

The Arbiter fought a lot of flood and some gay looking machines along the way.

Randomly Thel heard a UNSC Marine on the radio saying, "Proceed with the objective. We'll hold as long as we can."

Then he hears screaming on the radio, "GET IT OFF OF ME IT'S RAPING ME! SUPPRESSIVE FIRE! SUPPRESSIVE FIRE!"

Then randomly calmed down, "Negative ma'am they're not covenant. Cover that fucking door!"

Arbiter said to himself, "_Geez humans are annoying. I wonder how the demon deals with this_"

The arbiter made it into a snowy field and found Ratas (commander).

Ratas questioned, "What are you doing here?"

Then said, "We must hold this camp until reinforcements arrive."

_That was fun to type. Now I hope you enjoyed and I hope you start thinking about joining my halo screwed up fan club under communities._


	11. Chapter 11: Blah Zone

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 11: Blah Zone**

_Just a reminder if you haven't read the bottom of the last chapter I'm going to say it to you. I've made a community called the halo screwed up fan club please join if you are a fan PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASSS SSSSEEEEE! :DDDDDD_

Thel (the Arbiter) said to Ratas (commander), "In the center of this zone is a Sacred Faggot critical to the Gay Journey. I must fuck it."

Ratas questioned shockingly, "WHAAAAT?!"

Thel answered, "Oops I'm not supposed to curse."

Ratas fainted from what Thel said before.

_15 hours later because the writer doesn't give a fuck if your complaining this the chapters are too short._

Commander Keyes made it to the index room.

The index is in the middle of the room.

Keyes grabs a broken tentacle (that sounds wrong) and grabs the index.

All she said was "hell yeah".

Johnson appeared out of nowhere and says, "Good job."

Then Johnson questioned to his marines, "Mckenzie and Perez, how's our exit? You hear me marines?"

No answer (haha faggot).

Then Johnson said, "We got trouble."

Keyes answered back with a sarcastic tone, "Oh really."

Randomly Johnson sees a shadow and fires.

The shadow turns into Thel.

He knocked Johnson's rifle aside and Johnson said, "How you doin?"

Thel replied happly, "I'm feeling well thank you."

Then knocks Johnson out with a head-butt.

Keyes saw what just happened and pulled out the two craptacular SMGs.

She fired everywhere in the room.

Thel was behind her the whole time and knocked her out.

Tartarus came out of nowhere and draws Keyes and the index to him with his gravity hammer (I love that weapon).

Tartarus said, "Excellent work Arbiter! The Hierarchs will be pleased."

Thel said angerly, "The icon is my responsibility."

Tartarus said, "Too bad! I win! You lose! Now die!"

Then Tartarus knocked Thel down into the hole that the Index was floating over.

_I know it took me a long time to write this but I was running out of ideas. okay?_


	12. Chapter 12: The Gravemind Swamp Creature

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 12: The Gravemind (Swamp Creature)**

_This chapter was fun to make because the swamp creature was one of my friends' idea, so I placed it in here. Enjoy! :D_

In an underground area and a circle of red lights, The Master Chief woke up to find himself held by a tentacle (still sounds wrong).

The tentacles is attached to a creature that seems to be entirely head, neck, and of course more tentacles.

The eyeless head bears a strong resemblance to the mouth structure of an Elite.

Cortana questioned shockingly, "What the fuck is that?"

Chief answered with a British accent, "Oh no! It's the swamp creature!"

Chief being ignored as always, the gravemind answered, "I am a monument to all your sex slaves."

Then chief questioned, "Okay. Can you take the bitch in my helmet? She is after all, a female."

Cortana answered angerly, "Asshole!"

Then two more tentacles descended holding Thel who was struggling.

Chief said to the struggling Arbiter, "Relax elite that I can't kill right now. I'd rather not piss this thing off."

Thel turned his head to chief and said shockingly, "Retard!"

Gravemind looked at chief and said, "This one is machine and nerve, and its mind concluded."

Then he looked at Thel and said, "This one is but flesh and faith, and is the more deluded."

Chief said angrily, "This is not a fucking poem large creature thingy."

Thel turned to chief, "I thought you said not to piss this thing off."

Chief said angrily…again, "Yeah well, I just hate when people talk a lot."

Cortana said, "You do the same thing dumbass."

Chief answered back, "Oh yeah."

Thel turned to the Gravemind and said, "Kill me or release me parasite, but do not waste part of my life with talk."

Gravemind answered, "There is plenty of time to talk because I have listened a lot and some are very vulgar."

Chief questioned shockingly, "Oh my God! Are you a god?!"

All gravemind said was no.

Then another tentacle (what is with all the fucking tentacles) came up in front of chief and Thel.

It was wrapped around another monitor with a red eye instead of blue.

The monitor said, "Greetings I am 2401 Penitent Tangent. I am the monitor of installation 05."

Chief said to himself, "_Oh God! Not another one._"

Another tentacle came up (QUIT IT WITH THE FUCKING TENTACLES YOU GAY HOMOS) and it was a half – flood regret.

Chief said, "I thought I killed you."

The gravemind turned to 2401 penitent tangent and said, "This one's containment."

Then turned to the half flood regret and said, "…and this one's Great Journey and they are both the same."

Then he turned to Thel, "Your Prophets have promised you freedom from a doomed existence. You will find no salvation on this ring."

Chief turned to Thel, "This ugly piece if shit is right. The great journey is false and extremely gay."

Thel snapped back, "You already destroyed one of the sacred rings, retard. It shall not harm another."

Gravemind said, "If you will not hear the truth, then I shall show it to you."

Then continued (here we go…he's going to talk a lot), "There is still time to stop the key from turning, but first, it must be found."

He turns to chief, "You will search one likely spot."

Then turned to Thel, "…and you will search another."

Then said (finally last part he's going to say), "Fate had us meet us as foes, but this ring will make us brothers."

Then they both teleported away from that area and went to their search spots.

The scene changes to High On Drugs which is floating between a random planet that has no name (of course) and Dahalo.

Chief appeared behind a grunt who is recording the Prophet of Truth's speech.

Chief said, "Boo."

The grunt screamed like a little girl while dropping a needler.

Chief picked up the needler and pointed it at Truth.

Truth said shockingly, "Kill the retard."

Then teleported away.

Tartarus yelled in a com, "INTRUDER ALERT! PROTECT THE HIERARCHS! SEAL THE EXITS!"

Then cortana said, "Nope, sorry! Put me down on one of the pedestals near the door."

Cortana opened the door and said, "Go get the index from truth."

Chief said shocked, "Why did you help me? I still hate you, you know."

Cortana said, "I don't know just go."

Chief said, "Okay. Thanks, I…guess."

Then chief walked off to go get the index back from truth.

_1 hour of killing and failing to find the profit later._

Chief found marines along the way.

Cortana said to the marines, "The chief is looking for a prophet and you're going to help him kill it."

Then one of the marines said, "Hell yeah! Revenge here we go."

_Another hour of killing and OH MY GOD IT'S THE FLOOD later._

Tartarus and a squad of Brutes are leading Keyes and Johnson into a dock area.

Tartarus ordered his brutes to put them in each Phantom.

Then profit of truth said to Tartarus, "The hopes of the covenant rests on you Chieftain."

Tartarus replied, "I will not fail."

Then lot of spores of the flood infection forms came on the docks.

The brutes stomped and killed each one, but one came through and attacked Prophet of Mercy (haha he was getting old anyway).

Tartarus was about to get the spore off mercy, but truth said, "Let him be! The great journey waits for no one brother…not even you."

Then Tartarus went on one of the phantoms and flew off with truth.

_alright friends please review thanks :D_


	13. Chapter 13: Downrising

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 13: Downrising**

_I looked at the_ _script and this chapter is extremely short so I'm going to try to make it long so bear with me_

Thel (The Arbiter) teleported from the Gravemind and appeared somewhere on Dahalo.

Thel picked up a plasma rifle and said sadly to himself, "_Oh, so that's how it is._"

Thel walked and walked and walked until he saw a dying elite saying, "The brutes have betrayed us, they murdered the Council, and I can't feel my penis."

Thel acted like he didn't hear anything and moved one.

He found an elite and he complained to Thel, "By the Prophets! What have these retard Brutes done? They have shed our tits, and for that…"

The elite said in an extremely low voice, "THEY WILL DIE!"

_1 hour later of elites complaining about shit the we already know._

Ratas came out of a covenant tank and questioned to Thel, "Arbiter! The Council…are they dead?"

Thel answered, "Murdered by the raping Brutes."

Ratas said angrily, "Vile sex offending beasts! The Prophets were idiots to trust them!"

Thel looked up to see the entrance of the control center.

It was Tartarus leading his group to the control room.

Tartarus turned around and sniffed the air.

He huffed and went inside.

_I know its so short but do not worry I will not piss you off. trololol_


	14. Chapter 14: High On Drugs

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 14: High On Drugs**

_Awwwww yeeeaaaaah we are almost done woooooooooo hoooooooo swhefwruhvbkweughbsafkjhseab gvesbgvjawbefljkaa oh sorry I'm very crazy let's start before I explode XD_

The Master Chief dropped down to the dock in time to watch the phantoms take off.

He walked to mercy who's still getting attacked by a flood spore (die old covenant, die already).

The Chief laughed hysterically and then said, "Your idiot friend, where the hell is he going."

Mercy answered while suffering (haha), "Earth…to finish what we started, and this time…none of you will be left behind."

Chief laughed, "I doubt that very much. Everyone knows the humans will always win."

The chief kicked mercy's suffering body off a cliff (oh thank God).

Cortana said shockingly, "That structure in the middle of the city…It's a forerunner ship!"

Chief questioned, "How the hell am I supposed to get there? It's impossible."

Cortana ignored chief and said, "If that Brute detonates Dahalo, I'll detonate In Amber Clad's reactor just like we did on the Pillar of Derp. It will destroy this city and the ring."

Chief angrily said, "Bitch! You didn't answer my question!"

Then Cortana answered with a troll face, "Figure it out."

All chief said was fine in a nonsexy way.

He was about to grab Cortana and she said, "No! I don't want to chance a remote detonation. I need to stay here."

Chief said angrily, "Oh my God! Are you fucking kidding me right now?!"

Cortana answered, "Yeah. Problem?"

Chief said in a little emotional voice, "But…but you're actually a good person to talk to."

Cortana answered with little emotion, "Yeah, even though you're an annoying asshole, I really like having you around."

Chief said angrily, "Okay! Well fuck you then."

Then walks off into a conduit and shoots off to the forerunner ship.

Cortana said while chief was going towards the ship, "Chief, when you get to Earth…good luck."

Chief answered, "After when I fuck Truth in the Asshole…"

Cortana interrupted, "Don't make a girl a promise…if you like ditching people."

Chief angrily questioned to himself, "_Why does that bitch interrupt all the time?_"

Then chief made it to the ship and somehow drove off (he didn't even know the controls).

_thanks for reading it keeps bringing a tear to my eye XD_


	15. Chapter 15: The Dumbass Journey

**Halo 2 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 15: The Dumbass Journey**

_FINAL CHAPTER HOPE YOU ENJOY_

_p.s. halo 3 screwed up version will be a little hard unless I have ideas and I'm running out of ideas so PLEASE HELP ME! I also have a forum called "halo screwed up series forum" CHECK IT OUT! Oh and sorry for the long wait._

Thel (the Arbiter) and Ratas (Commander) are scoping the facility the Tartarus went in.

Thel questioned, "What is this place?"

Ratas answered, "This place will start the Great Journey."

Then Thel remembered what the Gravemind said: "There is still time to stop the key from turning."

Thel said, "I must get in there."

Ratas answered with a smile (I don't think elites smile), "Then mount up Arbiter. I know a way to break those doors."

Ratas walked in a…um…whatever the fuck the covenant's tank is called.

Lots of running and killing later.

Ratas spotted a scarab and said to Thel, "There is a Scarab parked near the docks, Arbiter. Go to it and blast the door open."

Thel went through the room that lead to the docks.

Thel saw a few marines fighting a few brutes.

Thel was about to walk in the scarab, but Johnson "the so called badass" ran in.

He replied over the com coming from the scarab, "Listen. You don't like me and I sure as hell don't like your pussy face, but Mr. Fatass brute is going to activate the ring and we have to work together."

Thel replied, "Ok then, but he locked himself in."

Johnson replied with an evil smile, "Well I happen to have a key."

Then fires up the plasma cannon.

You could hear him laughing hysterically.

Then said, "Grab a banshee and support me. They are going to know that we are coming."

Thel supported Johnson and started firing at the doors.

After a few minutes, the door opened and thel parked the banshee.

Johnson said, "Go on ahead. I'll be right behind you."

The scene switches to Tartarus and others.

Tartarus is at the center of the control room which somehow looked different on the last Dahalo (OMGWTFBBQ).

He's holding keyes physically (I hope he doesn't rape her) trying to get her to insert the index (oh thank god).

A brute squad is standing behind them.

One of them is holding 123 Innocent Spark Plug.

Tartarus ordered, "Come human, it is easy. Take the icon and insert it in or I will rape you (I FUCKING KNEW IT YOU DIRTY ALIEN WHORE).

123 answered, "The human is delicate."

Tartarus yelled, "I WILL RIP YOUR EYE OUT OF YOUR SOCCET OF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!"

Keyes replied, "If I sing the nyan cat song will you leave me alone."

Tartarus questioned in a gangster tone, "Da faq?!"

Keyes answered, "Yeah. I don't like that song anyway."

Thel ran in and yelled, "Tartarus! Stop!"

Tartarus answered, "That's impossible, bro."

Thel ordered, "Put down the Icon."

Tartarus questioned, "And disobey the Hierarchs."

Thel said in a Link tone from The Legend of Zelda from YouTube Poop, "Yeah!"

Then his voice turned back to normal, "There are things about Dahalo even the Hierarchs do not understand."

Tartarus angrily said, "What you say is heresy!"

Thel questioned, "Is it?"

Then asked 123 Innocent Spark Plug, "Oracle, What is Dahalo's purpose?"

123 answered, "Collectively, the seven-"

Tartarus grabbed 123 then yelled, "Not another word!"

Johnson showed up with a plasma sniper and said, "Please don't shake tinker bell."

The arbiter asked the same question again.

123 answered, "The forerunners built Dahalo to activate the rings and to commit suicide. It is also destroys everything in its path."

Arbiter got angry, "Tartarus…they have betrayed us."

Tartarus replied, "No Arbiter. The Great Journey has begun."

Then he started activating the ring.

Thel roared and started attacking Tartarus.

Moments later.

Tartarus died from Thel.

Thel said, "it is done."

Keyes grabbed the index and the activation stopped.

The scene switches to Master Chief who is riding on the outside of the forerunner ship as it exits Slipspace near Earth.

Back on Nuts Station, an officer said to Lord Hood, "We got new contact."

Hood ordered, "Take it out."

Chief said over the com, "This is Spartan…um…I forget the number name. Can anyone hear me, over?"

Hood questioned, "Can you tell me what you're doing on that ship?"

Chief answered, "Sir, GETTING SERSIOUSLY GETTING PISSED OFF THAT THIS FUCKING WAR HASN'T ENDED YET!"

Epilogue

The scene switches to High on Drugs.

There are Gravemind's tentacles everywhere (thankfully that was the last thing that sounded wrong).

You can hear Gravemind's voice echoing, "Silence fills the empty grave, now that I am gone. But my mind is not at rest, for questions linger on. I will ask, and you will answer."(Oh great why is he rhyming again.)

The tentacles reached out towards a holopanel and Cortana appeared on it and she waved one hand.

Cortana said orderly, "Alright swamp creature. Shoot!"

_Thanks for reading halo 2 screwed up version. Halo 3 Screwed up version will take a while to make because I'm out of funny ideas and 2 I can't find the halo 3 script. So message me if you guys ever find the script and the website name. Thanks!_


End file.
